When She Cried She Blamed Ghosts: A Short Story

Everyone wants a miracle but all they get is life. 

That’s what Marie told me the last time I saw her. She said it with force, as if trying to make me react. Silent tears tumbled out of her big round eyes and down her pink cheeks. A stray drop veered into her lips and disappeared into her sad and pretty mouth. Her tears fell onto the carpet without making a sound. I stood there, watching her lose the battle with her own temper. I didn’t move. My eyes were dry and confused. 

Please say something John, she kept asking me. Say something, John. 

Marie always said my name at the end of her sentences. 

Show me you still want me, John. 

But I didn’t know how to show Marie I wanted her because I never have. Marie didn’t know that because I never told her about Alex.

Alex moved into the house next door from me when we were both eleven years old. Then, everyday, we walked to school together and walked home from school together. Lots of walks, me and Alex. We were best friends. 

Just you and me, Alex, I would say. You and me, I’ll wait for you and you’ll wait for me. 

Alex always agreed, smiling big and nodding so fast with eyeballs moving like bouncy balls and locks of hair like blonde rolling hills. 

Before, Marie would always stand on her tiptoes to kiss me on the mouth. Her small hands would wrap around my neck and touch my beard and then one hand would always find its way into my back jean pocket. I love you millions John, she would whisper. Thank God I found you.

She’d take me to the spring bed in her room and I never liked putting my face on her pillow because she didn’t use the right pillow cases. The whole time I would think of Alex.

I never felt guilty because I didn’t know that wasn’t allowed. 

Marie was wrong about me because she thought there was another woman. 

I never spoke about Alex to her, because Alex wasn’t here anymore. Alex used to be mine and I was Alex’s, but things have been different for a very long time. 

Marie and I had met in a cafe a year before her tears splashed on the ground without making a sound. She told me she recognized the sticker on my water bottle because she went to school there too but I said it was my neighbor Jacob, not me, who had gone to school there. He gave me the sticker last summer. That’s okay, Marie told me, I’m still going to sit down, if that’s alright with you. 

It’s alright. 

I’m Marie. 

Hi Marie. 

You’re not going to tell me your name? 

I looked down and saw she had brown boots and yellow socks on. She had noticed me staring, so she started looking at her brown boots and yellow socks too. I told her my name is John and she lifted her gaze back up to me.

You’re awfully shy, it seems like, John. But that’s okay with me. 

Her hair matched her shoes and I felt my cheeks warm up when she smiled.

One day, when I was 16, Alex moved away. 

Bye Alex, I said. A mist blurred my vision. Alex stood there on my front porch, awkwardly as if forced. 

I’ll visit soon, John. It’ll be just you and me, same as always.

Okay. 

Okay.

We didn’t kiss or hug or even shake hands because Alex’s parents stood at the bottom of the driveway. I closed the door before Alex made it off my porch.

Just like that, no more Alex.

Things happened all at once, like a tidal wave. Marie and I spent a lot of time together after meeting in the cafe. I liked watching her talk because she seemed so sure of herself. Confident, always standing with good posture. Sometimes Marie made me laugh.

I felt confused when Marie asked me do you love me, John. 

I said yes I love you Marie, because I thought she would be upset if I said anything else. She called me hers but to me I was still just John.

What a miracle, Marie would say, that two people like us can love each other. 

I’m not sure what she meant by people like us, but I would always say yep, a miracle. 

Love is life’s miracle John, and we both have it. Our very own miracle, John.

Always, after she said that, she would smile and lean in on her tiptoes.

I didn’t know that was the last time we’d see each other the day Alex moved away. I waited for Alex to come back for a long time. 

Everyday when I walked to school, I would imagine hearing Alex’s voice behind me. John! John! Wait for me! Sorry I’m running late.

No problem Alex. Good morning. 

I’d turn around and see an empty sidewalk. Just me.

Not again Alex. No more jokes. It isn’t funny anymore. 

Then my eyes would get misty like that day on the porch.

I missed Alex. A miracle would be nice, but that’s why we call them miracles.

Miracles don’t last very long when there’s someone else involved.

That’s what Marie told me the last time I saw her. I told her there isn’t another woman but she said she could see it in my eyes and that she had noticed something’s been off for a long time now. Her voice got quiet and serious and forceful. Then, when I didn’t say anything, her eyeballs got wet and started melting like mini popsicles. 

Marie asked me how long since you stopped caring for me, John. I told her I was confused and maybe she should sit down. She stayed standing, so I didn’t sit down either. I told her I did care for her. 

She said it wasn’t in the way she wanted me to, because it was obvious there was another woman. 

I looked down. Tiny grey puddles continued to materialize on the carpet.

Why are you so distant, John!

Marie was yelling now, her voice getting shrill and sad and choked. Who is it John!

I told Marie that Alex has been gone a long time. She stopped talking and then sat down on the floor.

Marie said at least she had someone to blame for real now.

You can’t blame Alex because Alex isn’t here anymore. Now I’m confused, I told Marie.

But I love you, John. What is there to be confused about? I just love you, John.

Once Marie left I didn’t think about her.

My life stayed almost the same. Only now I had more time to think about Alex.

Marie loved me, but she was right — I could never love her back in the way that she wanted me to. She wanted me to love her the way I loved Alex. She had wanted a miracle but instead she got me.

The love she wanted was a boundless and generous love. Nothing but warmth and eternity would suffice. A love with a magnetism that kept us in the present and ghosts in the past, and a fear of loss that kept us together for the future. 

But I could never love Marie like I loved Alex because she wasn’t him. 

This is an excerpt from my bestselling short story collection, Life Between Moments. Get your copy.