Being a master conversationalist means being great at talking to people. That doesn’t come naturally; it takes effort, and usually requires getting over some fears or hesitations.
To become a more fluent and confident conversationalist, it helps to have a broad range of things to say. But the secret, according to Dale Carnegie, is to be an exceptional and genuine listener.
In his perennial classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Carnegie elaborated:
You can make more friends in two months by being interested in them, than in two years by making them interested in you.
He encouraged his readers to listen intently to reveal a genuine interest in the topic and speaker.
Being interesting, Carnegie said, starts with being interested. Quality conversations (and by extension, quality relationships) stem from being interested in the person right in front of you.
To be interested, to act it out accordingly and authentically, approach conversations as if you are a student and the individual before you is a teacher with a lesson planned just for you.
Maybe they want to talk about helicopters. Ask them why they find them interesting. Pose thoughtful questions as if you are attempting to learn something from them. Treat them as if they have something worthwhile to impart and expound upon.
Being a good, sincere listener is multifaceted. Listening begins with being interested. Furthering the conversation with pointed, particular questions about the other individuals’ interests comes next.
Then comes encouragement. Encourage them to talk about their interests. This can even help convince yourself of your own interest in their ideas. Encouragement imbues positivity through and through for both parties.
Encouragement makes the other participant feel listened to — It doesn’t matter if you are listening if you can’t make the other person feel as if they are being listened to.
Guiding the conversation in the direction of the other individuals’ interests comes off as encouragement and reinforcement of your genuine investment and interest in the conversation.
This leads into another one of Carnegie’s rules:
Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely.
This conveys the impression that you care about them on a visceral level, and that they matter to you.
If the other person begins to feel like the center of the universe, the conversation opens up and reaches more meaningful levels of depth.
You, as the listening and encouraging participant, have the opportunity to learn something new and interesting. The other person has the ability to impart new ideas and be a participant in a meaningful conversation.
Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends was published in 1936. The wisdom of the book remains timeless and applicable.
Listen to learn something new. Be interested (in order to be interesting). Encourage with enthusiasm.
With a more willing, attentive ear, more meaningful conversations await.
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