Good morning. There’s a lot of data that suggests, no matter how hard we try, we’re pretty damn good at making ourselves unhappy. Balancing material success and contentment is a constant chase.
And it isn’t a money issue — some of the most successful people are the least happy.
Let’s try to solve the paradox.
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The pursuit of happiness
In a 1997 study, psychologists had subjects solve puzzles, then asked them to report their happiness.
The happiest people were those who paid the least attention to other people’s puzzles.
The less happy bunch, to no surprise, were the ones who really didn’t like seeing someone else solve the puzzle faster.
Countless studies have shown that most people feel proportionally worse when they “lose,” compared to how good they feel when they “win.”
Each of us harbor a deep bias for dissatisfaction, and that doesn’t go away even if we routinely get what we want — it’s a survival mechanism.
Dissatisfaction catalyzes ambition, which allows us as a species to strive forward and propagate.
It gives us ambition on an individual level, too, but it can cloud our perception of what we really need to be happy.
Achievement, it seems, is no solution for happiness because it rarely overpowers our constant lust for more.
More money. More status. More things.
Of course, this dissatisfaction sparks our instinct for hustle, and can inspire some healthy competitiveness.
But at the same time, insatiability is associated with anxiety and depression, among other negative sentiments.
The paradox of our happiness
Harvard professor Howard Stevenson said success is getting what you want, but happiness is wanting what you get.
That’s a good starting point.
Importantly, he isn’t trying to say you can’t be ambitious and also happy. He’s instead trying to highlight contentment.
Stevenson spent much of his career studying high-achievers. Specifically, he looked at people who could “achieve” not just in work but across domains — money, status, personal life, and purpose.
The happiest people, Stevenson said in a 2013 lecture, were those who were able to best convince themselves they were satisfied.
Satisfaction stems from noticing what’s right in front of you and appreciating the things you’ve already achieved, Stevenson explained.
Being present, he noted, is a skill that everyone should practice, as it’s a strong predictor of happiness as well as financial wealth.
For Westerners, as life goes on, it’s a general belief that people should accumulate accolades and awards to show what they’ve accomplished — the opposite of what Stevenson seems to recommend.
Meanwhile, Eastern belief systems emphasize being content with less — stripping more away as we age, rather than accruing excess.
That encourages self-mastery, rather than mastery of your external world.
Taking all of the above into account, the trick to happiness seems to lie somewhere in managing our wants, rather than focusing on what we don’t yet have.
That’s not to say don’t be ambitious, but evidence suggests that being more mindful about what’s right in front of you can help you ease your desires (and smile a bit more).
And since achievement isn’t what brings happiness anyway, as Stevenson highlighted, aiming instead at satisfaction might just bring you what you didn’t know you wanted.
— Phil
Tip Jar Recs
- Something remarkable: A glimpse into the mind of a carpet cleaner who speaks 24 languages. (Washington Post)
- Something different: A poignant 1962 essay by John Updike about how New York City emerges for Spring each year after a cold winter. (The New Yorker)
- Something encouraging: A measured and tender story of an unlikely pandemic friendship between a girl and a…goose. (The Paris Review)
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