Welcome back, readers. Instant gratification is easy to surrender to because, well, we’re human. But getting better at delaying gratification isn’t exactly about self-control — it’s about these two things.
Let’s get started.
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The highest value in every culture
Imagine you’re alone in a room and there’s a marshmallow in front of you.
You can either eat it now, or you can wait, and earn two marshmallows.
One treat now, instantly, or two later, in 15 minutes.
In one of the most famous psychology experiments ever done — “The Marshmallow Study” — analysts put hundreds of preschoolers in this exact scenario to test out their ability to delay gratification.
Then, they followed up with those same kids years later, once they grew up.
Those who had waited for two marshmallows were doing better by nearly every metric: better grades, more money, happier relationships — you get the idea.
In other words: Success comes to those who are able to negate temptation and choose discipline and patience over the ease of some alternative.
Belief systems from Christianity to Hinduism have largely concluded the same thing — sacrificing some pleasure now for a future dividend is necessary to a good life.
Our ancestors from centuries ago discovered it was to their benefit when they stored food for later instead of eating it all immediately.
It wasn’t just that saving food meant less hunger down the line, it also meant people spent less time hunting and gathering at a later date.
That meant (and means) people could be more useful and productive, and have more time to think and innovate.
But self-control isn’t the answer
You’ve likely discovered that good old-fashioned will power isn’t so reliable.
Believing that discipline hinges on self-control is misguided. It doesn’t account for context and environment.
Telling ourselves to do one thing in our head — going to workout instead of watching Netflix — doesn’t always translate to actually doing the thing.
Additionally, blaming your (lack of) discipline for a failure of delaying gratification isn’t helpful, because internal finger-wagging isn’t something that compels us to do better.
What’s more, research shows emotional distress overrides our ability to make cogent decisions — and people deal with emotional distress all the time.
The secret to resisting temptation isn’t so much about your ability to actively refrain, but more about adopting an “out of sight, out of mind,” game plan.
The easiest way to resist temptation is to remove the temptation from the start.
Don’t tell yourself you’ll skip dessert while having ice cream in your freezer, for example. Don’t buy it and the sweets won’t be an option.
Something else to note: The people you spend time with have a massive influence over the habits you pick up.
If you embed yourself in a community that prioritizes drinking and smoking, you’re likely to succumb to the same pursuits.
In the same way, if you surround yourself with marathoners, you’d be much more inclined to lace up your sneakers.
The context you put yourself in matters — and things get easier once you stop treating self-control as the ultimate determinant.
Finally, it helps a great deal to write down exactly what it is that your temptations cost you.
Pointing out the losses associated with a decision can help us to not take that path.
Take skipping the gym. It costs you the feeling of accomplishment, forward momentum, mental clarity, and perhaps the financial cost of a membership or class you’ve already paid for.
Keep that list handy, and when you want to skirt a responsibility, you can read your list and ask yourself if it’s worth it.
— Phil
Tip Jar Recs
- Tales from a pandemic: A candid and humorous essay about a writer losing the weight he gained during lockdowns, as well as a musing on our relationship to our bodies. (The New York Times Magazine)
- Something different: A moving, thought-provoking essay on climbing, and the nature and aliveness involved in the sport. (Alpinist)
- The future is now?: Crypto and Web3 promises a decentralized future built with code and game theory, free from Big Tech. What could possibly go wrong? (Wired)
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