The most important years of your life will pass even if you don’t make the most of them

The Defining Decade is a book about twentysomethings — a demographic that is too often told they have time to relax because the future is far away. Contemporary culture likes to say that “30 is the new 20,” but psychological data say otherwise.

In her writing, author Dr. Meg Jay points out that postponing something doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be better or wiser when it happens.

Time, as it turns out, passes regardless of whether you choose to make the most of it.

The choices you make in your 20s have more profound repercussions than choices made in any other decade of life, and so they shouldn’t be treated with the levity that society seems to deem acceptable.

In Jay’s words:

When we graduate from school we leave behind the only lives we have ever known, ones that have been neatly packaged in semester sized chunks with goals nestled within. Suddenly life opens up and the syllabi are gone. There are days and weeks months and years but no clear way to know when or why things should happen. It can be a disorienting cave like experience.

The book is divided into three sections: Work, Love, and the Brain and Body. Jay doesn’t prescribe any particular course of action, but she does advocate for action. Having intent, she explains, is what sets you on a trajectory that determines who you meet, what doors you can open, and how much money you can make in your later years.

Jay writes about the concept of “identity capital,” or your collection of personal assets and resources that illustrate how you choose to spend your time.

The idea encompasses everything you do, even the projects you pursue and roles you play that don’t show up on a resume.

Here’s Jay again:

These are the investments we make in ourselves, the things we do well enough, or long enough, that they become a part of who we are…Identity capital is how we build ourselves – bit by bit, over time. Most important, identity capital is what we bring to the adult marketplace. It is the currency we use to metaphorically purchase jobs and relationships and other things we want.

Here are six other lessons on work and careers I found helpful from The Defining Decade:

1. If all you do is goof off, you’re not preparing for adulthood. You’re just getting better at goofing off. You have to practice being the adult you aspire to be, today.
2. Real confidence comes through actual skill mastery, not people complimenting you or inflating your ego.
3. You won’t make the most money in your 20s, but your future earning power largely relies on what you do this decade.
4. Late bloomers will almost never close the gap on employment or career earnings
5. Almost all your biggest opportunities will come from outside your inner circle.
   • The people who you see the most usually makes an echo chamber. Build a network so you have “weak ties” — that’s where the most job offers and introductions to romantic partners come from.
6. Two questions to ask to help choose a career:
   • What could you do well enough to support the life you want?
   • What might you enjoy enough that you won’t mind working at it for years to come?

And here are five takeaways on love, according to Jay:

1. The most important decision you ever make is who you spend your life with (so why are there no college courses on finding a spouse?)
2. After age 25, one’s age at marriage does not predict divorce. That means the data goes counter to the notion that it’s always better to postpone marriage (to be wiser, more financially stable, maturity etc)
3. Low-commitment relationships in your 20s makes you better at having low-commitment relationships in your 30s.
   • Psychological data suggest it’s not as simple as “getting it out of your system,” as unsustainable or bad habits in your 20s lead to a continuation of the same habits in your 30s.
4. Like a career, good relationships don’t just appear when you’re ready. It usually takes a few thoughtful, serious tries before you know what you want in love and relationships.
5. Life gets better when you let better people into your life (friends or romantic relationships). We care about ourselves more when we let good people care about us or love us.

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